Stitched Snakes
by doppelgengar
Summary: Soul Eater AU where everything is the same except Stein. Rated M for sexual themes later.
1. Prologue

"So, you think you managed it?" Death asked, bouncing in his usual jolly way in front of his mirror. "Hm, hm, hmmmmm?"

A stoic voice hummed back lazily. "Of course, sir." There was a yawn. "He's not quite as…" A pause. "Friendly looking. As before, though."

"Yeah, yeah? Is that so?"

"He looks like a big angry blue gorilla if I were to be quite honest."

"…That hurts, Stein." A new voice echoed from the mirror. Much deeper and gruffer than the first.

"It's the truth," quipped back the first voice, Stein. "…Can you stop making that face, Sid?"

"What face?" The second voice from the mirror, Sid.

"…Nothing, never mind."

Death clapped his huge hands, "Stein, Sid, focus!"

"Hm."

"Yes, sir."

"Now, then," the death god, continued, never dropping his goofy tone. "Are we ready to move on to the next phase?"

Stein chuckled, lighting a cigarette, "The remedial lesson is ready to go, Lord Death."

Sid gave a salute, "Just waiting for your signal, sir."

"Alrighty, then! Let's get to work!"

…

Apprehension and fear bubbled up in my soul. On paper, this mission seemed relatively easy on paper. Four relatively well-trained DWMA students against one rogue meister? The odds were in their favor. Even if their teamwork tended to be a bit… lacking, what could possibly go wrong? The stitched grey walls of the patchwork laboratory loomed over Soul, Black*Star, Tsubaki, and I, the air charged with a strange energy. Even the blue haired idiot seemed cowed by the atmosphere.

_Still,_ I thought. _Raising Sid from the dead? This guy can't be normal… Doctor Franken Stein… Where have I heard that name before? _

The silence was interrupted by Sid, sitting bound to a nearby dead tree. "You know, I wasn't the kind of man to run away, but," At that moment the laboratory doors flew open, seemingly of their own volition. "I also wasn't the kind of man to let a bunch of kids get themselves hurt."

We didn't turn to look at him, and suddenly a low rumbling sound rolled through the air, slowly increasing in volume. I narrowed my eyes, "Something's coming…"

Soul glanced back and sneered at Sid, "What the hell are you talking about, corpse breath?"

"I'm sure Lord Death already told you this but, Stein wasn't exactly a normal student."

Rumbling sound was louder now, as if whatever was coming was much closer now.

Sid continued, his voice taking on an urgent edge. "Doctor Franken Stein is one of the greatest meisters to have ever graduated from the academy, probably the best. Run. Now. She'll kill you!"

At this, we all gave a collective surprised, "She?!"

The rumbling grew louder and louder, closer and closer, until I was sure it was coming from my own head, when suddenly a figure riding a swivel chair appeared in the doorway, rolling closer until the wheels of the chair hit the doorframe, sending its rider sprawling on the ground. We took a step back, a little unsure of what to make of this new development.

"Dammit, it still doesn't seem quite right," the figure mumbled, pushing themselves to their feet. It was a tall woman, probably just a little shorter than my dad. She had silver locks, wild and wavy, cascading down her shoulders, disturbed by a huge screw embedded in her head. She reached up to crank it, creating a terrible grinding sound until it stopped with a simple click. Adjusting her glasses and a straightening her stitched, bone white lab coat she said, "There, that should do it." She dragged the chair behind her as she turned to stroll back into the darkness. She raised a hand and mumbled around the cigarette hanging loosely between her lips, "Alright, I'm gonna try that again.

We stood dumbfounded and Soul half turned to me and murmured, "Shouldn't we stop her or something?"

I blinked. "Uhh, we just met her, isn't that, like, rude?"

Star chimed in as well, sounding intrigued, "I'd like to see what happens next."

"Yeah, so would I," Tsubaki agreed.

We waited apprehensively as the rumbling sound once again started up and grew in volume. I willed myself to see farther into the darkness as the sound got closer, and closer, until…

The chair's wheels once again got caught in the doorframe and once again the woman was sent tumbling to the ground in a pile of white coat, limbs, and computer chair.

_Is this chick for real?_

She laid on her back and peered at us from behind her wide circular glasses with a bored half lidded gaze before she finally spoke.

"Is there something you kids needed me for?" she drawled carelessly.

We sent heated glares back at her.

"Yeah, if you're really Doctor Stein," Soul snapped. Suspicion practically dripped from his voice and I could tell he was having his doubts about this woman's identity.

"Mm-hm," She hummed as she stood up once again, dusting herself off.

"Then, you're the one who did this," I pointed at Sid. "You're the one who turned Sid into a zombie!"

"Oh," she began monotonously, sitting in her chair again, this time with the back of the chair between her legs. "So, you kids must be from the academy, then." She glanced behind us and said, "Hey, Sid, how's it going?"

This confused me. "So why'd you do it? Revenge? Some grudge?"

She blinked at me and I could see mirth pooling in her steel grey eyes. Then, she laughed, low and sinister. I flinched and felt Soul take a step closer to me. She folded her arms over the back of the chair, resting her chin on them and spoke again, amusement coating her tone. "No, nothing like that, I have a simpler motive: experimentation and observation. Those are the only things a scientist needs, and I am a scientist." The mad doctor's lips curled up into a smirk. "Everything in the world is a test subject… Heh, including myself of course." She shifted again, now resting her cheek on her knuckles and I could see a line of stitches around her right eye.

I heard Tsubaki gasp and knew everyone else could see it, too. I gritted my teeth and held my ground and as I glared back into her grey eyes and as I did so, it started to feel like her gaze was piercing through me. It felt like something was poking around inside my soul.

I whispered to soul, "Can you feel that?"

"What?"

"Something strange is happening…"

"Huh?"

Stein's smirk widened playfully, and she hummed her next words mockingly. "Well, well, well. Your souls' wavelengths aren't very stable, are they? They're quite different from one another, actually. I see one soul is careless and arrogant, the other is earnest and strong willed. They appear to be in resonance, but in reality, they simply aren't."

Soul cocked his head a little. "What the hell? You mean, you can see the soul of someone who's still alive without a partner? In that case, you must be a good meister."

_He could even tell what kind of person we are…_

"You can read the characteristics of souls, too," I commented trying to keep from sounding too impressed. "Only the best meisters can do that."

"Why, thank you," she murmured.

Soul narrowed his and turned to me. "So what? You can see clearly like that, too, right, Maka?"

I laughed nervously. "Oh, of course!" _Not that clearly._

"Your soul seems confused by that statement," the doctor quipped. "How cute."

"Sh-shut up! Stop looking at my soul, you creep!"

She let out another quiet chuckle but was cut off by a high pitched cry from above.

"Yahoo! Yeah, shut up, little doctor, no one wants to hear you talk anymore! How about we talk about something more interesting!" Black*Star leapt down from the roof of the laboratory with another whoop, a bright grin plastered on his face. Tsubaki gasped worriedly. Stein's eyes shined with barely concealed insanity and she grinned like snake.

_This won't end well,_ I thought. But, Black*Star continued on his tirade.

"Who cares if you can see souls? Not like it matters, if I can't. I doubt I'd see anything interesting. As far as I'm concerned, the only soul worth looking at is MINE!" He through his head back and laughed cockily.

Stein laughed again and pushed her glasses up her nose. "Yes, yours _is _an interesting one. Wild and self-centered. You must always want to be the star of the show, am I right?" She turned the bolt in her head again. "It must be difficult to find a partner willing to even try matching wavelengths with you, huh?" She clicked her tongue with false pity.

Black*Star lunged at her with a roar. "No more talking!" He aimed a kick at the woman's head, only for her to deflect it with her arm. Baring his teeth, Black*Star aimed another kick at her back this time. She merely twisted around to dodge his kick and deliver her own punch sending the blue haired assassin flying backwards.

"Black*Star!" Tsubaki screamed, horror marring her features. She started towards him but froze in place when the older woman turned to stare at her.

"Ah, I see," she said. "You must be the wild one's partner. You're always willing to compromise and have rather accepting nature. It makes sense that a doormat would match with his wavelength." Tsubaki flinched at this.

Soul stepped forward. "Who do you think you are, you old hag?"

The mad doctor merely ignored him. "Now that I've collected all the required information…" She grinned. "I think it's time to begin the experiment."

I held my hand out to Soul. "Ready?"

He grinned back and took my hand in his. "Ready." He shifted into his weapon form and I grabbed hold of him, swinging him around in a way I hoped was at least kind of intimidating as I settled into a battle stance.

…

I studied the scythe wielding meister carefully as she charged brazenly. As she swung her partner down towards my face I merely kicked off the ground and rolled away. _Too obvious. _I noticed the blue haired kid was finally getting up and slowly creeping towards me. _Better keep an eye on that._

The scythe girl was clearly trying to keep my attention on her and not on her friend. _A nice attempt at team work… _The girl put all her weight behind an executioner's strike just as the boy reared up behind her preparing a similar strike with his kusurigama. _But, not good enough. _

I shifted back and ducked just enough that the scythe didn't even graze me while simultaneously ramming my chair into the blue haired kid's face. The girl ended up spinning around from the weight of her swing and I landed a kick to her side just as I heard a thump and the boy screech, "My face!" like an over dramatic monkey.

I couldn't bring myself to even pretend to care. Instead I chose to again focus again on the little scythe meister. She looked familiar somehow. _Ah, I know._

"I'm guessing you're scythe meister, Maka Albarn, right? I knew something about you was familiar." I tilted my head and smirked at her. "You're Spirit's little daughter, aren't you?"

The scythe cut in. "Who's Spirit?"

The girl sighed and grumbled. "That's what my father used to be called before he became Death Scythe." She narrowed her eyes. "But, how do you know about that."

I had to laugh at her face. _She's an exact copy of her mother. Poor Spirit. _"You're also the daughter of the woman who ended my greatest experiment. Ah, I still remember even now… So stupidly oblivious, I bet if Kami hadn't said anything I might even still have him as a lab rat." I snickered. "But, enough about your old man. I wonder what kind of test subject you'd make…"

I shot forward with my hand outstretched, my soul wavelength already pooling in my palm. Maka lifted the scythe to block. _Mistake. _I made contact with the scythe and immediately wrapped my fingers around the staff, pouring my soul's energy directly into the pair. They staggered and I took the opportunity to sever their resonance, disarming her and sending them flying.

They seemed shaken, and I decided to give them a moment to regroup as the weapon tried to console his meister. I was unsurprised when her next move was a sloppy attempt to rush me. I simply struck again with my wavelength and to her credit she took it much better than the first hit, only stumbling slightly. However, she tripped and lost her grip on her partner.

"Tsk, how unfortunate," I said darkly, reaching to pull the short girl up by one of her pigtails. Her partner called out her name but I kicked him away before he could take human form again. "That looked like quite a nasty fall," I hummed in her ear, pulling her closer. "Are you alright, little girl?"

She tried to pull away, but I merely tugged her pigtail harder. "I wouldn't do that if I were you. It'll only hurt more." I pulled her shirt up slowly, revealing her pale stomach but stopping just short of revealing her bra. "My, my. What lovely skin you have." I reached into my pocket and pulled out a black marker. As I popped the cap off, I said with a dangerous amount of sincerity, "Let's see if I can turn it into sandpaper!" _Ah, if Spirit could see this he'd skin me alive. Kami, too, now that I think of it._ I began to draw dotted dissection lines across the plane of her stomach."Don't worry, I'll be gentle."

Suddenly, the little blue idiot's high pitched screaming interrupted me. "You're about to need a new pair of glasses, freak! How could you have forgotten the great, me, was here!?"

Maka sighed in relief and I did, too internally. I reached up to crank my screw. _That was a little too close for comfort. _Still with a firm grip on the little scythe meister's hair, I drawled, "Easily."

"You're not the only one who can attack directly with their soul wavelength!"

"What?" I felt the kid's fist collide with my back and his own soul wavelength rush into my spine as he roared, "Black Star Big Wave!" In my shock, I dropped the scythe meister, sending her crashing to the ground.

My back stayed arched as he kept his fists there and I could tell that he was feeling victorious. I wanted to grin as I dashed his hopes and dreams and said, "A surprise from the wild boy." He slowly backed away. And his companions lamented. "Interesting." I whirled around and placed my palms on his temples. "But, not enough." And with that, I forced my soul waves into his skull. He screamed and I could feel my face twisting into a genuine smile as it increased in pitch. I let the current fade and he collapsed, blood oozing from his mouth as his weapon screamed his name again.

I turned to face the scythe meister and her partner and found them having a rather urgent conversation. I decided to give them another chance to regroup, I sat down on my chair again, crossing my arms over the back as I watched them carelessly.

"Come on Maka, let's show her who she's messing with!" The weapon whispered.

She shook her head meekly. _Oh? She's scared now._

"No."

He turned is head a fraction to watch me. "What do you mean?"

She tried to speak but words seemed to escape her and she just slid down to her knees. "It's impossible!"

I tilted my head and looked straight into her eyes. "So you can see my soul? Impressive." I knew my soul was rather intimidating, sporting stitches and a screw similar to the one in my own head. _She's so terrified I almost feel bad. Almost. _

She glanced back at her partner and shook her head again. "Can't…the difference between us it's…It's…Too much! She defeated me once! I could get you all killed!" She was practically sobbing now, and I was beginning to imagine Spirit lunging at me, screaming about making his precious baby cry. _Ah, Death._

The weapon shook his head, mirroring Maka's action from before. "No! Why are you just sitting there? Get up!" He bent down to help her up, grabbing her left shoulder. She shuffled, moving his hands away.

"You wouldn't be saying that if you could see the shape of her soul like I can!" She muttered hotly. I snickered at this.

Scythe-boy growled angrily. "You're wrong Maka! You just saw a soul, not your whole future! Don't give up before you even fight!" He grabbed her shoulders and shook her forcefully. "Don't give up on me Maka! Look up and listen to me…I'M TALKING TO YOU!" He screamed the last bit right in her ear. _I like this, kid, _I decided. _A bit stubborn, but he sort of reminds me of Spirit. _

She looked up in to his eyes and he smiled. "Now look over there" - he indicated over to me, just sitting casually, one hand holding up my chin and the other bringing a newly lit cigarette to my lips. _I probably should at least pretend I care._"The good doctor has been waiting patiently for you to finish your little temper tantrum…isn't that so polite of the nice lady?" I snorted at this.

Soul reached out his hand. "Come on. If we die, let's die cool!"

She smiled determinedly and took it. She turned to speak to me. "Sorry about that; I'm better now."

I grinned and held up my hand, letting my soul energy crackle at my fingertips.

The weapon transformed back into the scythe and Maka twirled him over her head. "Let's go! Soul Resonance!" They cried out in sync.

I felt their souls mesh together and grow stronger. I narrowed my eyes and watched carefully. _ No way…_

Their combined wavelengths made the scythe blade grow until it took the shape of a huge glowing crescent moon blade. "Oh, my. Aren't you a little young to be playing with such dangerous toys?" I taunted. _The witch hunter… at such a young age? _She took the opportunity to leap into the air and swing the blade in a cleaving motion with a righteous shout.

_Not bad kiddo…_ I caught the blade with my bare hands and used my soul wavelength. "And you can control it, too! Impressive!" She pressed down on it harder and I could feel her partner trying to will their resonance rate higher.

I laughed, wildly. "Admirable…But your skills are still too unpolished!" With that I sent a soul wave so strong it shattered witch hunter's blade into millions of tiny pieces and sent the duo zooming across the ground until they slammed into the stony wall of my patchwork laboratory. I kinda did feel bad for that one.

She slid down the wall and down to the grown, struggling to keep her eyes open. I strolled casually to them and snickered as I crouched down, cigarette smoke billowing upwards. I tossed my hair over my shoulder and reached towards the pigtailed meister. "You managed to remained conscious…Looks like I can still have some fun~" I purred.

Suddenly, the scythe boy took his human form again and glared balefully up at me, hunched over Maka's prone form. "I won't let you touch my meister! You will not touch Maka!" His determination hid his fright.

I let out a sharp short bark of laughter. "Fine. I'll just have to finish _you_ first!" He grit is teeth and clenched his eyes shut as reached out to him this time.

Both meister and weapon tensed as I reached out and patted the scythe's snow white hair. "…Congratulations! You passed!" I said cheerfully.

They looked confused. "Huh?!"

"You passed your test! Lord Death asked me to conduct your remedial lesson and you passed with flying colors."

"But you…test?" The albino boy appeared to be having trouble registering this. "If you were in on it, why'd you kill Black Star, huh?" He finally pointed an accusing finger at me, finding it easier to blame than accept the fact that the deadly battle was a set up.

I glanced lazily over at the ninja boy - _Black*Star_, I filed that bit information away for later - who was propping himself up weakly, leaning on his weapon's chest. The girl appeared to be trying to restrain herself from strangling him.

He pointed an accusing finger. "I bet you think _you're_ a great star now don't you, you hag!" I rolled my eyes and stared back at the scythe and scythe wielder in front of me, raising an eyebrow at them.

"I still don't get it," Maka proclaimed, frustrated.

"Well, Maka, it's simple," Sid's gravelly voice echoed from his position still bound to a tree. "I decided Lord Death could use my death to test you."

I nodded, taking another drag of my cigarette. "He gave up his own body to teach you brats a lesson. You did well enough, I suppose. In my books you all get A's."

"A test?" Soul repeated, apparently ready to kill someone for real. "We almost died…for a test."

"Yep! And I'll admit, I enjoyed almost getting to cut you kids open!" I laughed, as their faces contorted in horror. I laughed harder. "Oh, man, scaring you guys is even funnier the second time around!"

"You've gotta be kidding me!" Little Maka wailed into the dirt. "Please, Death, you have got to be kidding me!"

"Well, kiddos, it's getting late. Looks like you're should get going home, hm?" I twisted my screw and snickered. "Unless you'd rather spend the night here with me!" I held my arms out wide for a hug.

"Over our dead bodies!" They screamed.

"That can always be arranged~!" I sang playfully.

…

The next day, Lord Death guided me around the academy, despite my protests.

"Come now, Stein~! If you're gonna be a teacher here you've gotta know the layout, right?"

I rolled my eyes. "You're forgetting, sir. I went to this school. It wasn't that long ago."

"A decade and a half is a long time. What if you forgot something!"

"Really, sir, this is unnecessary."

"Hush, now, we're almost done. Now, I just need to introduce you to someone~!"

The death god stopped in front of a door and knocked. "Nurse Medusa~? Are you in there?"

"Come in," A woman's voice, and an unfamiliar one at that called back. _Weird, I thought most of the teachers were people who graduated with my circle of friends._

Lord Death pushed open the door and ducked under the frame and I followed right behind. Or at least I would have if he moved, instead he stood blocking the doorway exchanging pleasantries with this "Nurse Medusa." I lit a cigarette as I waited for the somewhat scatterbrained god remembered what we were doing.

"Oh, right, I nearly forgot, Stein I'd like to intro- Stein? Where'd you go?"

I hummed. "Behind you."

"Oh, sorryyy~. He shifted out of the door way to let me in. "I'd like to introduce you to our new school nurse, Medusa Gorgon! She'll be taking care of any accidents the students might have, but she may need your help if it gets to be too many! Anyway, I'll let you two get acquainted. Byeee~!" And with that, he left.

I merely raised an eyebrow at the woman he gestured to. She had dark blonde hair plaited in a braid in front of her and cropped short in the back. She closed her shining golden eyes and smiled, holding out her hand. "It's nice to meet you," she chimed her voice cheery and honey sweet. I stared at it for a moment, blinking. I didn't take it and simply gave a monotonous. "Pleasure."

She frowned, but I paid it no mind. I blew a smoke ring shaped like Lord Death's mask and placed a hand on my hip as I observed her. _There's something… off about this one. _Her golden eyes met mine, and for a moment I thought her pupils were slits. She walked closer to me and I noticed she was at least half a head shorter than me. She stopped when she was a mere couple of inches away. I crossed my arms. She glared into my eyes, but didn't seem willing to come any closer.

On a whim, I closed the distance between us. We stood chest to chest and I peered down at her, face schooled into a mask of indifference. "Can I help you?" Smoke billowed from my mouth as I smoke. A bit rude, but I didn't care.

She reached up and snatched my cigarette from my mouth. My lips still parted in surprise. "I must ask that you not smoke in my office, Miss…?"

I backed off, but only just so. "_Professor_ Franken Stein," I quipped.

Her venom filled glare reverted back into the friendly smile she had before and she said, "I hope we'll get to know each other better, but for now, I'm afraid I can't talk, I've got a lot of morning preparation to do~!" And with that she ushered me out.

I stared at the door to the nurse's office, half tempted to go back and give the short blonde a piece of my mind, but I thought better of it and walked off down the hallway instead. _Medusa Gorgon, huh? _I reached in my pocket for another cigarette and found the whole pack missing. "Tsk."

* * *

**a/n: well, what'd'ya know. i spent like all day writing this and i'm really hungry now bye. i'll update when i can. reviews are appreciated, thank you.**


	2. Smoke and Suckers

**a/n: one day i will stop procrastinating but that day has not come in like the past 3 and half months so i mean**

* * *

I awoke from what should have been a dreamless sleep with foggy senses and a vague sense of dread building in my stomach. I hadn't had a dream in fourteen years. At least, not one I could remember.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes with a sigh. A tingling feeling lanced down my spine as the memory of my dream pushed itself to the forefront of my mind. 'Fucking snakes…' I thought. At that moment, the alarm clock sitting next to my glasses blared like a siren and I jumped slightly. I huffed. 'Fucking work.'

The annoyance was silenced with a pathetic clanging whine by my fist slamming into the button on top. "Ugh…" A headache was forming already. I need a cigarette. I stretched, my back arching until the disks of my spine clicked pleasantly into place and I sighed. I toyed with the idea of just not going to the academy today as I made my way to the bathroom. As steam floated through the air, I thought of all the time I could spend nowhere near any little brats.

The hot spray of the shower was so very relaxing….

* * *

_I opened my eyes slowly, my vision blurry. The scent of earth and moisture and fire wafted through the air. It was hard to breathe, my whole body ached, and everything was icy cold. I tried to move my arms. The only response was a sharp pain shooting through my wrists and a loud clanging noise. I glanced up, narrowing my eyes. My glasses were gone, but I could just_ _barely make out the shape of chains and shackles. "..What the..?"_

_There was a hissing sound and I thought I caught sight of something moving in my periphery. Gooseflesh raised on my skin and I tensed. I felt something graze against my thigh and was suddenly hyper aware that my glasses weren't the only thing missing. I gritted my teeth and kicked out at whatever was touching me. It wasn't dissuaded and instead, wrapped itself around my leg like a tentacle. And then there was another around my other leg. I looked down, a snarl pulling at my lips as I gathered my soul wavelength in the pit of my stomach, preparing to lash out with a Soul Menace. _

_A voice like hissing rang out then, chidingly, "Now, now, Stein." What felt like fingers dragged slowly down my spine and slowly, to my horror, the energy I built up was drained away. "Play nice."_

_My breath hitched as whatever was wrapped around my legs tightened and one of them slowly slid upwards. Over my stomach, between my breasts, and eventually, it looped once then twice, loosely around my neck. The end of it loomed in front of my face and when it opened a set of golden yellow eyes, I realized it was a snake. It hissed at me and if the shimmering black liquid dripping from its needle like fangs were any indication, it was poisonous. _

_A whimper forced its way past my lips as the coils around my throat tightened. Spots danced in my vision as the snake drew back, its mouth opened wide. It lunged for my face and I blacked out. _

* * *

"Gah!" I jumped and nearly slipped as I abruptly shot back into consciousness, my heart beating a mile a minute. I slammed my palm into the shower wall to steady myself and I winced at the stinging pins and needles sensation. "Fuck…" I panted, running a hand through my damp hair and pushing it out of my face.

The sound of someone uneasily clearing their throat echoed throughout my bathroom. My eyebrow twitched. I swept the shower curtain partially open and roared out, "Who the fuck-?!" Instead of my reflection and that of my plain white bathroom, there was the sunny image of the Deathroom along with a pink faced Spirit and Lord Death who appeared to be avoiding eye contact.

The god raised a cartoonish fist to his face and cleared his throat again, before speaking, "H-Hey there, Stein! Just checking in to see how you were doing this morning. Haha…" Spirit flinched and became an interesting shade of red that rivaled his hair.

I blinked and recollected myself. "Yes, I'm fine, sir."

"…Well, that's… good to hear."

We sat in an awkward silence for a moment before Lord Death stared talking again.

"We'll just let you get back to, ahem, what you were doing. Gotta go bye~!" And, with that, he cut the connection to the mirror.

'Well, that was odd…'

I turned off the shower and reached for a towel, but jerked when I felt something liquid and sticky slide down my thigh. I glanced down and blood rushed to my face. "For fucks sake…"

* * *

Professor Franken Stein strolled lazily up the flight of stairs leading up to the Death Weapon – Meister Academy, a cigarette drooping slightly between her lips and her hands in her pockets. She was twenty minutes late but she couldn't bring herself to care. The little brats could wait. When she reached the peak, she was met with the sight of the scythe boy form the other night leaning back against the brickwork, apparently napping. She raised an eyebrow at this. She briefly considered waking him and telling him to get to his class, as any good teacher would do without hesitation, but was interrupted by a loud whooping sound. She glanced up to see a familiar blue haired assassin boy leaping down from a spire. 'Oh, goddammit.'

"You!" He shouted. "What're _you_ doing here, you ugly old hag?!"

The older meister scoffed but ultimately decided to let that little comment slide. "As of today, I'm a teacher here, _boy_."

"Horseshit!"

She ignored him entirely. "Shouldn't you and that other one be in class?" She deadpanned.

"Sorry, _teach," _he drawled. "But, we're waiting on someone. A, uh, _new friend." _Black*Star couldn't contain his snickers and instead released full blown cackles.

The mad doctor rolled her eyes. "Good luck with that, kid." And, with a puff of smoke, she continued into the building.

* * *

I nodded in satisfaction as I looked over the fruits of my work. I had finally had all the shelves and cabinets organized exactly the way I wanted them. The nurse's office finally had some sense of order to it. I crossed my arms and sat down in my chair, tossing my feet up on my desk. Finally, I can get to my real work.

Or at least I would, had my door not been slammed open with a bang accompanied by the offensive, acrid smell of burning tobacco.

I turned, my eyes narrowed. It was that silver haired meister the death god introduced to me yesterday. I found my grip on my temper slipping as I took in her casual appearance and the air of arrogance she carried with her. And, it appeared she'd bought another pack of cigarettes. 'Damn you…'

I scowled up at her as she approached, staring down at me with half lidded grey eyes.

"Miss Stein – I"

She cut me off. "It's _Professor_ Stein."

'Ohhh, do we have a quirk?' A smirk tugged at my lips. I filed that bit of information away for later.

Standing up, I hummed, "Nevertheless," I pulled the cigarette from between her lips with a flourish. She seemed shocked for a moment, her eyes widening almost imperceptibly. "I told you before that smoking is not allowed in the nurse's office." Her eyes narrowed and her left eyebrow twitched. I flicked the offending cancer stick into the sink where it fizzled out with a sizzle. "Do I need to confiscate them from you again?"

She crossed her arms, and drawled out, "Actually, that's what I came here for." She stepped closer to me and now that the cigarette was gone, her proximity wasn't nearly as offensive. The scent of smoke still clung to her, of course, but it was a subtle edge nearly drowned by the fragrance of cool rain water and lemon.

The silver haired meister held out her hand, "The pack you swiped from me yesterday, if you please."

I raised an eyebrow and made no move to retrieve them for her. "You are aware of how detrimental smoking is to your health, aren't you?"

She snorted and raised a hand to brush her fingers against the bolt imbedded in her skull. "I've done worse to myself, don't you think?" As an afterthought, she added, "And, I really don't need another cigarette lecture, nurse. I've had enough of those to last me a lifetime."

Reaching a hand out, I replied without missing a beat, "Clearly not, if you're still smoking like a house fire." She stepped back and I missed wrapping my fingers around that screw of hers by mere centimeters.

"Maybe you have a point," She tilted her head and her glasses slipped down her nose before she grinned wickedly. "Or maybe I just like smoking."

"I don't see how."

"Don't knock it til you've tried it. As the saying goes."

"Oh, I have. They taste and smell terrible in addition to being terribly poisonous."

"Hm." Apparently, she didn't have a reply to that and instead simply nodded, as if in agreement. Curious.  
"…Aren't you meant to be teaching?"

"I am."

"Classes started twenty minutes ago."

"So they did."

"You should go teach, then."

"And, I will."

She was playing a game; a petty one, and I was quickly growing tired of it.

"When?" I asked, exasperation leaking into my voice.

Her lips lifted in a lazy half smile. "When you give me my cigarettes back."

I rolled my eyes with a sigh and a shake of my head. "Fine."

After rummaging around my drawers for a moment, I produced the little cardboard box she was willing to waste so much of my time for and shoved it in her hands viciously. "_Here._"

"Thank you," Stein drew out the words sarcastically as if I were the one in the wrong here. And, with that, she turned on her heels and strolled out of the room as casually and abruptly as she'd entered.

"Annoying fool."

* * *

I had arrived to class nearly thirty minutes late, in a significantly better mood. And, after thoroughly terrorizing my… students into submission, I discovered that the two runts outside the building were in fact a part of my class. Joy. I dragged their partners along with me to retrieve the two idiots and found them brawling with the son of Lord Death himself. I propped one cheek up on my knuckles and pulled out my pack of Death Sticks only to discover instead of the white wrapped tobacco it was filled with suckers of all things. I scowled and mentally cursed that slippery nurse to all seven levels of hell as I angrily stuffed one in my mouth. Green apple flavored.

"Damn her…"

* * *

**a/n: i never knew how much of a pervert i could be until i literally nearly wrote tentacle hentai. anyway, i seem to have this odd fixation with cigarettes even though i hate the way they smell and taste. eventually i will grow out of this, i swear to god.**

**thank you for reading, please review to tell me what you think~!**


	3. But Who's the Third Wheel?

Medusa was called to the Deathroom not thirty minutes after the mad meister left. 'She couldn't have maimed a student that quickly…' She sauntered through the empty academy halls, her footsteps echoing around the ornate arched ceilings. None could ever say that Lord Death didn't have excellent taste in gothic architecture.

As she approached the imposing crimson doors of the Shinigami's personal office, the witch was filled with an instinctual sense of dread. No witch was ever meant to cross those doors and live. She had done it at least six times now, but she could never shake that terrible trepidation. The obsidian skull shaped knockers seemed to glare accusingly at her. A ridiculous notion on her part; they glared at everyone. She raised her hand and pulled back one of the icy rings and knocked on the door three times.

_Crack! Crack! Crack! _

From inside, a goofy cartoonish voice called out, "You may enter~!" And, like that, the doors swung open with a sound like a rushing river, revealing a daytime desert scene with swirling clouds floating along the ground, ambling about to the whims of a nonexistent wind. The warm golden sand shifted rhythmically like calm ocean waves, rippling in rings around the tall red pillars of tori gates holding up silver and gold guillotine blades, the thin navy blue poles of the oddly shaped crosses dotting the wide field, and the wide round platform in the center of the room. The Death God stood there, his back to her. His cloak was a jagged black void in the otherwise sunny setting.

Medusa steeled herself, then stepped forward, trying to avoid looking up at the sharp glinting blades hanging above her. "Lord Death," she said. "You wanted to see me?"

Shinigami whirled around, his eye holes narrowed into what was probably meant to be a friendly expression. "Yeah, yeah! Hello, hello, Nurse Medusa! I trust you've settled in well? Any complaints, concerns, troubles? Don't be afraid to tell me~."

The silver haired mad doctor's stupid smirking face came to mind, but instead, Medusa merely shook her head. "No, everyone's been very kind to me." She gave a sickeningly sweet fake smile, "I'm so very happy to be here." In her head, she was gagging.

"Good, good, that's great to hear!" He bounced happily in place. "But, that's not what I called you to my Deathroom today." He produced one large foam-looking hand and reached into his mirror. "Hm… Where'd he go? Aha!" He pulled out a limp looking boy with blood dripping from his mouth. "This is my son, Death the Kid." Shinigami declared proudly.

"Oh, my! What happened?"

Another giant hand appeared and he waved it dismissively. "Oh, nothing much really. Today was his first day and he got in a little fight with a couple of errant students from Doctor Stein's class. No biggie. He's fine."

Death the Kid dangled lifelessly.

"…Are you sure, Lord Death? He looks… well, dead."

"Nah, this happens sometimes. Normally when he remembers that his hair isn't symmetrical-" And, with those words, Shinigami's honorable son sprang to life.

"I'm garbage," he wailed, dramatically. "Filthy scum not fit to be a reaper! Don't look at me."

The holes in the Death god's mask made a movement that might have been him rolling his eyes if he had any. "He ended up getting a little unintentional haircut today, and he spiraled into an episode. That's where all this blood came from." He pointed to his son's bangs. One side was shorter than the other. "See?" He produced then, a small pair of scissors seemingly out of thin air.

"Okay. I'm afraid I don't see what that has to do with me, sir…?"

"Would you mind evening them out? Kiddo is worried I don't have a steady enough hand and that I might make it worse."

Medusa's eye twitched and her magic roiled up inside her like an angry cobra. "…I'm afraid I can't cut your son's hair, sir. I'm the school nurse, not a beautician."

"Are you sure?" Death's tone had taken on a whiny edge now. "It would only take a minute or two…"

"I'm sorry, sir. But, maybe Doctor Stein can help you…?"

Death perked up immediately. "Yes, of course! Brilliant! Would you mind fetching her for me?"

Medusa had begun to walk away and she choked as he said those words. Internally, she despaired. Externally…

"I'd be happy to, Lord Death," she said with a radiant smile. "But, I'm afraid I can't. I have no idea where she could be."

"Hm…" Lord Death pondered to himself. "Well, she's teaching a class now, and there's really not that much of a rush… Ah! I know!"

He turned to Medusa again. "She and Spirit will probably be having lunch together today, why don't you tag along, and bring her back here afterwards? I'm don't think they would mind too much if you ate with them." He rolled his eyes and continued on humorously, "I'm sure Spirit wouldn't."

"Ah…"

"They'll be having lunch at Deathbucks Café around noon, probably. You can meet them there. Oh, and would you mind telling Spirit to bring me back a Chai Tea, too?"

Medusa couldn't get a word in edgewise as the over animated god ushered her towards the door as he rambled on. "Oh, but you should hurry along back to the nurse's office. I'll see you again later~! And, don't let Stein bully you into treating her; she does that to everyone! Okay, have fun, bye~!"

The heavy doors closed behind Medusa with a slam. She blinked, half-stunned.

"Oh, dammit…"

….

[Later, around lunchtime…]

Franken Stein strolled around the corner and was met with the sight of her friend, standing outside Deathbucks chatting up a very uncomfortable looking school nurse. She considered helping Medusa out, her bored gaze assessing the situation, but thought of her missing cigarettes and the new pack she'd have to buy after school today, and decided to let the other woman squirm for just a little while longer. Besides, what sort of friend would she be if she cock-blocked Spirit at every turn? Eventually, the man had to learn for himself. _If you give a man a fish…_

The silver haired scientist leaned against the solid stone wall of some sort of hat shop, nursing a cherry flavored sucker. She decided that cherry was okay, but green apple was the best.

It was when she heard the words, "Oh, my hot nurse of love" and some cheesy innuendo involving shots, that she visibly cringed and took pity on Medusa. Briskly, she walked over to the duo, and from behind Spirit, drawled, "Miss, is he bothering you?"

Spirit yelped and jumped slightly. "Stein!" he hissed. "Don't _do _that!"

She glanced at him, "Are you done?"

He deflated, "Yeah…"

Then, the doctor turned to the nurse. "Sorry, about that," she said, in a voice that implied that she didn't care at all. "He's harmless, really. But, what brings you here?" Her eyes lit up in morbid curiosity.

"Lunch," Medusa said. "Lord Death mentioned I should meet you two here for lunch."

Spirit's eyes lit up with stars. _You the mannn, Lord D. _

"He said to tell you to bring him a chai, Spirit," she added.

The Death Scythe crumbled, "…Let's just sit down and order…"

The red head opened the door and let the blonde nurse walk in first and Stein was about to follow, but froze. She spotted something out of the corner of her eye. A lithe black tail slithered around her ankle and she could swear she heard the faint sound of hissing as she felt scale and rippling muscle glide up her leg. She tensed and remembered her dream from that morning; a tremor shot up her spine. Out of habit, her soul wavelength began to gather at her fingertips.

"Stein?" Spirit's voice broke her out of her reverie. Immediately, the sensation disappeared, the hissing was gone, and there was nothing near her. She narrowed her eyes. _There was definitely…. _She shook her head.

"…Sorry, I thought I saw something." She turned, and noted Spirit's concerned look. "I'm fine. Let's eat."

…

I smirked. My little snake trick had gone even better than planned; for some reason. Even as the scientist sat down, she still looked edgy, rigid even.

_Subject experiences acute guardedness after stimulus and potentially paranoia, _I noted. _Perhaps due to a distinct fear of snakes or being touched. This theory should be revisited in an environment where the subject is at ease to be verified. _

I observed Stein carefully as our server walked over to collect our orders. The perky woman leaned over Stein and I expected the silver haired doctor to flinch away. She didn't. _There goes that part of the theory._

"I'll have the roasted Chicken Santa Fe Panini and a black lemon tea," she murmured, without having looked at the menu.

"The Chicken BLT and a mocha, please," Spirit offered, his gaze wandering.

There was silence then, and Stein turned to look back at me boredly. She arched an eyebrow, "Do you need a little more time?" she drawled.

I blinked. _…shit. _"No, no, I'll have the…" I glanced down at the menu. "The Hearty Veggie Salad." I grimaced internally. _Honestly, the picture doesn't even look appetizing. _"And, a green tea."

The server nodded approvingly and strode away.

The three of us sat in uncomfortable silence for a while. Stein looked at Spirit, Spirit looked at Stein, and then they both turned rather sheepishly to look at me. It was my turn to be skeptical.

"So," Spirit began awkwardly. "How are you liking the Academy so far, Miss Gorgon?"

"It's been quite nice so far, except for a few," I locked eyes with Stein then. "…discrepancies."

The corner of the doctor's lips quirked up and she tilted her head. I got the distinct feeling she was making fun of me. She lazily pulled the sucker from her lips and hummed, "Oh, really? Like what?"

I narrowed my eyes. "Oh, just a few troublemakers not respecting my rules."

"Unfortunate," I could swear she was leaning closer to me. "Maybe you should do something about it."

_Oh, I am. _I hooked my snake skin shoes around the back of her calf and slowly slid it up, mirroring the snake I had teased her with out on the sidewalk. She reacted almost immediately, jumping and ramming her knee into the table. I smirked at the sound of her pained gasp and quietly hissed curses.

Death Scythe looked surprised. "You okay, Stein?"

"Oh, my," I said, stifling my grin as best I could. "That looked quite painful, what happened?"

"I'm fine. I thought I felt something touching me, is all." She glared knowingly at me.

I smirked back. _This will be fun._

* * *

**a/n: oh boy, this should be good. **

**thanks all of you who followed, fav'd and were patient. **

**please leave a review and tell me what you think**


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